first off let me just say – arrrg, it’s so hard to choose to not be in a funk!! i was kicking myself for the reminder yesterday, sitting there, all funkified and sad… knowing i had to make a choice for my day…. and i finally did. i overcame my internal mullings and i came out of my head and i was able to choose to engage with my husband instead of sitting like a zombie staring out the window… but it was a choice. and i’m glad i made it. my heart feels so much better for it today.
ok, now that that’s out of the way, i’ll proceed with today’s thoughts. 🙂
Good morning my one dear reader. I see that you’ve joined me in my posts so far, and I hope it is as cool and pleasant where you are as it is here in the middle of these North Carolinian woods.
We started writing together – my man and I – and it’s not as easy as i would have hoped. I’ve never been one to “craft” a song, rather it’s always just come out of me, simply because it had to live. For better or worse the songs i write just “are”… sometimes it works out.. but here as of late – these last few years – it hasn’t really been enough. I feel like i’m on the cusp of a new place musically that i can’t journey alone. those two words absolutely stop me in my tracks. journey alone. it’s like they hold a power over me ~ a weight that threatens to press me into the ground until the life has leaked from my body. yeah, it’s that big. my whole life has been the pursuit of not having to journey alone – to find someone that will love me and that i can love. and although i’ve been surrounded by that very thing ~ all my life ~ i couldn’t recognize it, or take part in it, or be moved by it. Regardless of those around me desperately trying to figure out how to love me, i never felt loved. and conversely those that i tried desperately to love, they didn’t receive it and it fell to the ground, and i can’t explain it fully… i don’t know why that happens but it does. i know it has something to do with misappropriation, with simply being confused as to whose love it is i have to give.
My song Something tells me… is touching on this very thing. the need to love and be loved and the ache inside when it’s within your grasp and you still can’t touch it.. or be touched by it. i wrote it on that same couch within a day or so of writing Unlovely. it was a season of becoming tender enough to admit i needed touch and i needed someone to reach beyond the barricade i had placed myself in – but the great fear is what if you admit it and still don’t get it – how can you go on? and i shudder inside because i know my husband has experienced this with me – he has been vulnerable and tender and soft, and i have refused to come out of my fortified walls of self protection and i have wounded him… and i see the damage i have done, and it brings great sadness.
something tells me it’s gonna be another long night, caffeine buzz and no one to talk to ~ but Something tells me it’s gonna be alright, if i can just hold on
and suddenly i have a need ~ you to lay your hand on me ~ heal me from the inside ~ and i forget how much i need your touch come lay with me tonight
Do i have anything worth saying anyway? or would i just ramble on… about all i wanna do, and how i’d live my real life if someone would just help me…
I am learning how to come out of these walls… this song may be the most vulnerable i had been willing to be up to that point – i was newly married and trying to sort out all the fears that had been my gate keeper up till then. i guess the first step is admitting what you need… and having the hope that if you make it known somehow you’ll have that need filled.
i’m a bit overwhelmed by how much there is to say about this. my head starts swirling with the images and sounds and bits of hope that have been scattered throughout this journey. there is so much that plays a part in how i respond that took me decades to recognize. i guess that’s what i’m doing here. i’m attempting to sort it all out. i feel like i should have just started at the beginning, being a fiercely chronological thinker, but i have already begun, and it’s random and scattered – and ok, if that’s how it has to be… i feel i should back up and tell the whole story, but how far back do i go? and how do i gather myself enough to say it all? the best i can do today is to say this is where i am… in these garden walls, waiting for Him to come in today and show me what He’s planted ~ today… waiting on Him to show me what is growing and alive in me… this song is just as much about Him as it is my husband… and in reality it is my response to His call to be intimate with me… to heal me from the inside. it is my resounding “Yes” to his invitation – and my admittance of helplessness to do so.
So that’s all for today. I feel so much more stirring around in my chest, but the day is calling me so i must go for now – but you can meet me here tomorrow, and we’ll get this all sorted out.
after-all… we’re all in this together 🙂