stumbling

editing today. i don’t know why but my chest is tight and hurts… maybe it’s the gigantic bag of M&M’s i tore through. maybe i’m tired. i’ve been contending for perspective. God’s perspective. but… it’s hard when you feel all wonky. and i do feel wonky.

i’ve been listening to Kristine Mueller and i’ve been really loving it. it makes me want to write.

i have nothing to say except i wish i didn’t feel so wound up in my middle. i can’t tell if it’s physical or emotional, or if you can ever separate the two, which i suspect is the case.

i have to make supper. my mother in law and brother in law are here. i feel – who cares. too much focus on feelings anyway.

elijah asked me this morning, “so, what lie are you believing?” which is totally not his language – it’s mine, but he was gracious enough to come over to my world for a minute. i said. “well, the lie is that my sister’s attitude has anything to do with me.” she’s distracted and completely overwhelmed with treatments that take several hours every day and a bustling life with 4 children that even when all was well, she was running on full steam ahead with barely a moment to spare… but she made time for me before and we talked every day, and she just doesn’t have it in her to do right now… and i know that in my logical head. but i still struggle with not having my best friend. i am sad and miss her worse than i can express. but i can’t believe such a lie that her disconnect has anything to do with her love for me. because it doesn’t. and i refuse to let that lie corrupt the little time i do have with her.

Father… more grace, please. i’m stumbling here.

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