could the weather be any more gorgeous today? shooting one of the last two weddings of the year today. oddly enough Chloe woke up this morning 100% fine. so strange how kid illness works.
electric guitar riffs waft up the stairs and through the walls – tracking in the main room today. i’m happy we are here. my family – all snug in the upstairs apartment. it’s nice knowing i could just walk downstairs and see Elijah.
i wish i had something profound to say. but contentment is as good as anything, right? I truly feel like i’m on the roller rcoaster of insanity sometimes. i could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones, but i know it’s more than that. I know He’s calling me – drawing me into some previously unattained level of freedom. ….. previously unattained level of freedom…. has a ring to it. i feel drawn into even the phrase. it’s true, you don’t know your eyes are closed till you open them – you don’t know you didn’t have the right perspective till you have the right one. you can’t know what you don’t know. unfortunately. things really would be so much simpler if we could just see. not through this veil of humanity – but really SEE… i want to see. I want to know and move in Reality. i think if i did i would find the reason to do music again. i used to know why i needed to write and sing songs – why i needed to go out in the world and play them. Hope. to tell of this Hope… i guess it’s hard to think of singing of hope when you don’t feel it. but that’s why i say i wish i could just find a way to walk in Reality – the Reality not right in our physical faces, but the Reality that says who we really are, that screams of the authority we carry in our bones and could move in if only we had the perspective for it. yes… then i would reclaim the reason to sing.
it’s not that i don’t feel music stirring deep down inside. i do. and i’m on the journey toward letting it escape my body once more. so… that’s the story. we’ll just have to wait and see what He wants me to see… what this previously unattained level of freedom He has for me looks like. i think i’m ready. i’m no fool though. i know it comes through tears and releasing gut wrenching pain… forgiving and releasing and receiving Grace – which is some pretty hard stuff. but i get the image of William Wallace (well really Mel Gibson) having his guts ripped out, as he screams FREEEEEDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! Yeah.. a bit dramatic i know. but honestly that’s how it feels sometimes. although i know the real pain and sacrifice isn’t one i have to go through. Jesus did that for me. thanks, Lord… i am humbled and re-directed when i think of it. of the cross. so yes. freedom comes through sacrifice and pain and death… i’m ready to let these old fears and perspectives die. i’m ready for this freedom.