Yes the warmth of the fall sun beckons me today. although i have yet to leave this building. The dishwasher sounds like a monster in the next room… roaring out it’s song, doing it’s duty. but that’s neither here nor there.
I had a pretty intense talk with elijah the other night – I finally was able to verbalize how i’ve been feeling. for the first time in my life i related to king solomon – it’s all vanity, what’s the point of any of this… i’ve been struggling to remember why i should write a song… or even if i could write a song anymore. nothing i wrote about before seems to matter anymore. the book i’m writing that i finally broke 1oo pages on seems meaningless now. i mean really – what’s the point? who the hell cares? who needs to hear the sad story of loneliness and yearning from yet another writer? since i started writing – for real writing – in college, i’ve been in one camp of thought. life sucks, hurts like hell, i’m all alone in it… but Jesus is there. over and over for years this was my story – my message. my way to connect with the world around me and say Yes – I get it – I too feel like there is a ragged hole in my chest filled with oozing blackness that threatens to overtake me every day. but at some point, you just get tired of hearing yourself say it. of feeling it. of rolling around and crying in it. ugh. yes. i’m tired of that. and somewhere along the lines i lost my will to write about it. however the rub happens to be that now i don’t know what to say.
there are moments of inspiration, light, freedom, joy, hope – break-through moments for me that signal to my dying heart that it truly was not meant to be this way and if i will just believe – if i will just hold on, there is something coming that will break me free from these things forever. and then i go to bed and wake up the next day and start my search all over again. No. honestly i was not created for this. i know it. and yes, it’s embarrassing to admit that this is where i live so much of the time. especially since my head knows the Truth. my soul knows Redemption. my heart has been intimately acquainted with the Man named Hope (as johnmark so aptly stated)…
i’ve been reading a book on co-dependant cycles and breaking free from them. it’s shedding light on some deep heart frustrations of mine and i started talking to a counselor this week to work through it. an hour just isn’t long enough. and just thinking about it causes my chest to tighten and my heart to ache. it is embarrassing to admit that you can’t work through something on your own. for some stupid reason we’ve convinced ourselves that we’re really messed up if we need help getting perspective on things. what a load of hockey. i need to talk through the raging in my chest and head. otherwise i keep forcing it down into the deep wells and clogging them all up. not smart. it makes for a very unhappy girl. and i recognize that it isn’t just me that effected. and i love my family. and i want the fullness Christ died to give me. anything less is unacceptable.
so i’ll let you know how it goes. i’ll share my process, even though i’m struggling to figure out why i should. i can’t tell you how many blogs i’ve written just to shut off the computer and walk away without posting it. i knew it was sad and heavy and depressing and that why on earth would anyone want to read such a thing. but i’ve given up trying to be the voice of inspiration to the world. i figure all i can really be is honest. so i’ll start there.