it’s not saying anything new to point out that things don’t usually happen how we want them to… or how we so meticulously planned it. at some point, humanity enters the picture and something goes awry. well. i suppose that would be at the point of planning, since we are indeed not divine, but human. so i guess it’s all moot… still. we continue to be thrown when things don’t go how we imagine they should. People don’t respond with gratitude, they don’t return our love, they don’t give us their genuine thoughts and affections, traffic is heavy and we miss the beginning of the movie, or worse – we get into a huge fight in the parking lot of the theater and miss the beginning, ruining the whole evening when all you wanted was to spend some uninterrupted time with the one you love.
No… Things don’t turn out like we think they should. and we’re surprised. caught off guard. derailed.
The main theme, if you will, of this season of my life has been (wait for it…. wait for it…) yes… surrender. so original, i know. i feel as if i’ve been here in this little corner of learning for half of my life now. but i suppose i’ve just come back around to it for the purpose of going deeper – learning how to let go and leave it alone. leave it well enough alone. which seems so – simple. just leave it alone. what can be so hard about NOT doing something? you just don’t do it. don’t touch it. don’t pick it back up. just don’t. — yet i think most of my issues of heartache and disappointment have come from insisting that i meddle in things that aren’t mine to touch… trying to control people’s reactions and feelings… trying to preemptively disarm other people’s pain – usually just increasing their pain and then becoming part of the source of it. no. keeping our hands to ourselves is not only a difficulty when we are five years old. It’s always hard. We just get better at justifying it – to ourselves anyway. i don’t think we really fool anyone any better than a kid who gets caught pulling hair.
as i established earlier, i am not Divine. I want to control people. I admit it. I want to do whatever it takes through whatever manipulative (yet “Christian) means possible. All in the name of helping. all in the name of “love”… so learning not to control and manipulate, destroy and tear down (regardless of intention) is hard. so i guess that’s why God’s spent so much time with me on this one. We have power in us… human soulish power. God made us that way. Granted, that power was intended for a world without sin… without selfish ambition… without pain. So that’s why He tells us to surrender it to Him. Because we cut each other to little tiny bits and then piss and moan about how unfair life is and feel oh so sorry for ourselves. We can’t be trusted wield power in these mortal bodies. not without undesirable consequences. Any level of power is bigger than we are. And no matter how powerful we have the ability to be, it’s just vapor compared to His. Vapor. and we think we’re so strong.
But in the midst of all this terribly uplifting reality – is the Truth that He not only wants us to have power – He wants us to have HIS power. Give me your tiny, feeble, incapable, sterile power – and in exchange… (against all that seems logical and sane) I’ll give you mine. Everything I have will be yours. You’ll have all access – no limits – no end to the possibility of what you will do with MY Power. THE very power that created the vast expanse of the universe, the Power that holds it all together now – the Power that all the physical and spiritual laws obey. All you have to do – is surrender. Give up your shadow power for the real thing. Tell me this. Why… oh why don’t we take Him up on it? Guilt? shame? Disbelief? Yeah. I’m pretty much done with those impostors.
So, if the first step is admitting that I want to be in control and have my way… then the next step is being willing to give that up. And then actually do it. Exchange the former for the latter. All at His invitation to do so. How utterly mind blowing. How impossible. How… just like Him 🙂 To take our broken, useless things and give us eternity in it’s place. He’s a Good Daddy. He knows how to give Good gifts. He knows how to embrace our hearts and heal our brokenness when all we can do is cry and hurt and stick bandaids on the gashes in our hearts. He’s a Good Daddy. He is Good. – which deserves a blog entry all to itself.
So, Daddy – I turn from my controlling, manipulating, undermining, self important ways. (in other words, i repent) I surrender today. Fresh. I let go. Again. I will take you up on your invitation to exchange my broken pieces for Your wholeness… I’ll take my hands off all those things I was never meant to touch – i give up the facade of “responsibility” (for or over other people) that I cling so desperately to. I receive your mercy for all the years I didn’t surrender, and I receive your Grace for all the years ahead. I accept your offer – that being your kid means I get your likeness and your Spirit as an Inheritance – I get to watch you move your Power through me. I get to witness your Glory – your Goodness – Thanks for loving me Abba. Thanks for the exchange. I’m so glad walking this out isn’t up to my ability… thanks for even giving me that.