not a valentine’s day post

it’s hard when there are more questions than answers. it’s hard when life doesn’t ever seem to sort out and wrap up in a nice neat package. and it doesn’t, you know. i think that’s why we enjoy movies and books that present conflict, a climax and resolution. all nice and neat. i do. enjoy that. i could fill my days with movies and hours and hours with books as long as it has a happy ending, otherwise what’s the point? that’s not entertainment! who needs a reminder of how crappy life can be? it’s an escape.

there are too many questions without satisfactory answers. why does my sister continue to die of cancer? because people just do. people die of cancer every day. even though it seems inconceivable that it could happen so close to me. why did my best friend become an atheist? because people change their minds. they just do. every day. even when it breaks the hearts of the ones that love them. why can’t i freely worship in a church without any politics or intimidation issues or pain? because. the church is full of people and none of us are perfect. we just have to push through and be patient with each other and keep loving… even though it hurts like hell. why do people walk out, break trust, not pay you for a job you did, leave you when you need them?… it just is that way. we’ve all done it. and there are no satisfactory answers. and i guess when i say “satisfactory” i mean i didn’t get it the way i wanted it. and that’s not the tidy happy ending we go to in movies and books we read.

i’m 41. that just happened. 3 days ago. it wasn’t that big of a deal. 40 was a self imposed month long celebration because i was GOING to celebrate it, come hell or high water, it was going to be an occasion of laughter and kind thoughts toward myself and my future. and now the years just keep rolling on, and that’s a good thing. everyone doesn’t get more years. i am thankful for the ones i have been given.

so even though i am unsatisfied with the answers i have, i am thankful. i don’t want life to be wrapped up in a nice neat little walk-into-the-sunset-ending…. well maybe i do sometimes, but i would rather have what’s real. even with all the imperfections and heartbreaks… so this blog is about nothing. sorry if you thought it had a point and were holding out for it in the end. today i just feel dissatisfied and sad that my sister is too sick and weak to come see me in my play this weekend… which always draws me into the other unbearable, unanswered points of life. so that is all for now.

though i walk through the valley, it is only a shadow. i will give thanks

even so…Lord, come quickly.

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