raging against the machine (or, happy valentines day – whatever)

today i am angry. i want to rage and scream and tear the world down around me. the details don’t matter, they are all the same. the same old details that have constructed the same old story for the last one hundred thousand years of my life.

i just wanted to take this moment, this “happy” valentines day, and encourage myself to do what i really really really believe is the thing to do. sallie… tell the truth, say it out loud. be honest with yourself about why you are angry and hurt and say that out loud to whoever it counts to say it to. no, that person is not the random internet dwellers that have stumbled upon my valentines day diatribe, it’s the people that are actually here, in my face, that i can touch and hear their voices and feel their vibes — wether i like it or not.

i get to choose today wether i will stay in a prison of silent, angry hiding or if i will be brave and choose connection. (hmmm, choices, choices) Honest to the good lord in heaven – today i want to run into the cave and rock-wall myself in with the mud from the un-shed tears in my throat. no, i’m not dramatic.

but i won’t. because i get to choose. it’s my choice. do you hear me, Sallie?? you get to choose the day you will have. no of course i can’t choose other people’s responses to me, but i can choose my own, and it sucks to sit in a cave… alone… any day of the year. that’s not the ideal “me time” we are so encouraged to have, but rather it’s choosing disconnect – and i’m just saying throwing this out into the interwebs JUST in case other people struggle with this stupid day like i do. i mean, it’s probably just me. i’m PROBABLY the only crazy, freak-lady that isn’t dancing in the kitchen with the yellow, dappled sunlight on my face, feeling the warmth all the way down to my perfectly manicured toes. i mean, probably.

so let’s feel the love today, people. even if it starts out with raging against the unforgiving cogs of this machine, it can end in a very different light. maybe i’ll go for a run… or do yoga… or maybe i’ll just get off the couch and move a little today, (yeah, that sounds do-able) and i’ll stop being stubborn and i’ll take the choices i’ve got in my hand and i’ll use them. i’ll use them for good instead of evil. (insert snarky smile here) sometimes you just have to say such things out loud, even if only to yourself, just to remember there is a different choice available.

i fight for this because i watched my sister lose all her choices to cancer, so as long as i can still exercise my own will, i can’t in good conscience squander the choices that are mine. i choose connection today. as hard as it is. i choose. — i mean, really, it sucks so bad to be raging angry, it’s so much nicer to be connected to love. it seems like such a no brainer when you look at it.

so for today, for this day alone, (because who knows what i’ll choose tomorrow) i choose to let Love… let Love reach down inside and tend to my hurt heart, to let Love fill me with hope and joy and give me permission to dance in my kitchen… maybe i’ll even go get a pedicure.

until next time, my friends. the choice is yours. 

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