Narcissistic Backfire

Facebook Post – October 8, 2018
There is the truth, then there is how each one perceives it. Which is why other people’s opinions don’t get to determine who you are.#loveisstronger #showupasyourself
— Sallie Mosely
One year ago today I was facing one of the most important challenges of my life. I was deep in the throws of determining what I was going to believe. Was I going to believe the words of an embittered, hate-filled soul that was only interested in those he could make cower and ultimately submit to the control in the sad little kingdom he had built? Or was I going to believe what God has spoken over me, that I am who He says I am, and that I walk in the authority He has given me no matter where I am?
It was an all out assault on my soul, and I came home crying from the attacks, manipulation, shaming, control-tactics, humiliation and spewed poison more times than I can count. Ok, I understand how extreme and perhaps a tad dramatic my language is. But honestly – it was like the twilight zone. So many times I stood frozen in disbelief at the all out assault coming at me, triggered into fight/flight or freeze. And I never had words to say. I struggled to respond, my fear just feeding his ego. It was infuriating – never being able to say what I meant during an attack. It took me months to figure out how to respond, to find words to use in the moment instead of being rendered silent. I learned to stand in the moment and hold my own, to not respond by running to the bathroom to cry. But I did learn.
But I am so thankful for it, because what I learned during that formative season was some of the most important lessons of my life – Maybe THE most important.
I learned that:
• Love is in fact stronger than fear
• No matter how hard you try there is literally NOTHING you can do to change a narcissist’s opinion/view of you (so I can stop trying – forever)
• I do walk in authority and I never have to apologize for existing or taking my place in the world – ever again
• Just because someone tells you they know better and they believe they are in authority over you it doesn’t mean that it’s true.
• If that person (who imagines they are in charge of you) sees you as useless, a total screw up, and chooses to believe that you are bad at your core, actively attempting character assassination – they don’t get to count – they do not get to weigh in on your identity or worth. Their opinion is just that – an opinion. And this goes for anyone in your life that doesn’t confirm the Truth about you – what the Father says.
No matter who they are.
That can feel scary – to believe that you can look at someone who is so convinced that they are your authority – and understand that what they say is irrelevant. These opinions have no bearing on your life because they are not actually about you, but about the brokenness inside them.
I came to understand that I had a really messed up perspective about authority figures. First of all, that pretty much anyone who considered themselves above me, I allowed to speak into my heart, I gave them open access. Which is weird because I consider myself an educated, intelligent woman who can discern bullshitters from truth tellers. But some things get deeply ingrained (like ultimate submission to authority) and take a whole hell of a lot to shake loose. (Or should i say it takes a whole lotta hell)
stand
So I look back on this facebook post, remembering the war that was waged for my heart, with deep gratitude. Walking through that twilight-zone-level of crazy gave me a gift that I will carry the rest of my life. I will never let another human being emotionally or psychologically abuse me again. I will stand in my place on the earth and not apologize because my presence makes someone else uncomfortable. I won’t throw myself into a free fall of depression if I can’t change someone’s mind about me (that was a really hard one to learn). And I will show up as who I am, not some version of myself that someone else thinks I should be. And I will do this because of Love.
These are hard-fought-for statements. The thing is, it wasn’t the first time I was in such an extreme situation, but this year of getting the crap kicked out of me was the final push to get me to where I am now. So, to the embittered, narcissistic soul who set me up to finish this journey into freedom, thank you. That’s the only thanks you’ll get. May all the future abuse you inflict on others backfire the way it did with me.
freedom
And now my friends —- forward.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s